Fear
I moved today. I did not enjoy it at all. I know it needed to happen - how can I ever move on in life if I can't let things go? - but that didn't make it much easier.
As I was driving away from my house, my car packed to the ceiling with all my belongings (of which I have way too many), I cried. I wasn't even sure exactly why I was crying at the time, but I had a while to think about it as I drove home in my radio-free car and I think I figured it out.
I'm scared. I'm scared of this new phase of life. Everything is changing and I don't know exactly what the future is going to be. I'm scared of being done school. As much as I hated it and complained about it constantly, at least it was easy. I could sleep in, I could skip classes if I felt like it. I didn't have to really take it seriously. But a job will not be like that. I'll have to be places on time, and I'll have to care and be consistent. I'm afraid that I'll hate that and then I'll long for school. And it really scares me that I might actually want to go to school again. I think I would feel like a hypocrite if that happened.
I'm also scared about leaving my friends. I fully intend on keeping in touch with people, and some people I know I will, (especially if it involved a "pinky swear") but things don't always work out as planned and so for that reason I am afraid of what will happen to my friendships.
I'm afraid of leaving my church and moving to a new city. Leaving my church is one of the hardest things about this transition. My faith has grown so much over the past few years and I do not want to lose that and slip back into the "easy" Christianity I used to know.
And I'm even a little afraid of this whole getting married thing. It's so different than where I am now. The wedding is stressing me out and I haven't even actively started planning all the little picky stuff yet. It's this huge production we have to put on, and people are going to come and watch and expect to be entertained, and I'm afraid I'll fail.
I need Todd to come home. Once he's here I'll have something stable to lean on. He's always been a constant solid force in my life and I know that once we're together again, life won't seem so frightening but will be exciting instead. Fortunately for me he's coming home this weekend. I think I can make it until then.
I'm still sad about leaving my former life, but I'm sure I can survive. : )
As I was driving away from my house, my car packed to the ceiling with all my belongings (of which I have way too many), I cried. I wasn't even sure exactly why I was crying at the time, but I had a while to think about it as I drove home in my radio-free car and I think I figured it out.
I'm scared. I'm scared of this new phase of life. Everything is changing and I don't know exactly what the future is going to be. I'm scared of being done school. As much as I hated it and complained about it constantly, at least it was easy. I could sleep in, I could skip classes if I felt like it. I didn't have to really take it seriously. But a job will not be like that. I'll have to be places on time, and I'll have to care and be consistent. I'm afraid that I'll hate that and then I'll long for school. And it really scares me that I might actually want to go to school again. I think I would feel like a hypocrite if that happened.
I'm also scared about leaving my friends. I fully intend on keeping in touch with people, and some people I know I will, (especially if it involved a "pinky swear") but things don't always work out as planned and so for that reason I am afraid of what will happen to my friendships.
I'm afraid of leaving my church and moving to a new city. Leaving my church is one of the hardest things about this transition. My faith has grown so much over the past few years and I do not want to lose that and slip back into the "easy" Christianity I used to know.
And I'm even a little afraid of this whole getting married thing. It's so different than where I am now. The wedding is stressing me out and I haven't even actively started planning all the little picky stuff yet. It's this huge production we have to put on, and people are going to come and watch and expect to be entertained, and I'm afraid I'll fail.
I need Todd to come home. Once he's here I'll have something stable to lean on. He's always been a constant solid force in my life and I know that once we're together again, life won't seem so frightening but will be exciting instead. Fortunately for me he's coming home this weekend. I think I can make it until then.
I'm still sad about leaving my former life, but I'm sure I can survive. : )
Hey Jazz,
There isn't a whole lot that I can really say. I mean, everyone knew that this time would come. And I think that you know as well as I do that, despite any amount of mental preparation, it would have been a difficult time to endure. But I have this to offer: don't look back.
You have so much to which you should be looking forward: time at home, a summer with friends, a career helping people, and a life with Todd. Worrying about what is behind you could potentially tarnish what lies ahead of you, and I don't think anybody wants to see that. Keep your chin up, kid!
There are things, however, that I can do to alleviate some of your concerns; some things happen to be within my sphere of influence. I, for one, will not have any of this friendship not working out business. If moving away is all it takes to undermine our friendship then, frig, I am an awful friend. But you won't let me believe that. Besides, I made a promise to you, and I will put in every effort to ensure that we're in this for the long haul.
I will also do what I can to encourage you on your walk with God. We're in similar places in our journey, and I wouldn't want to see you falling back or getting lost (even though your sense of direction is atrocious, at best). Like we've mentioned before, a lot of our friendship is grounded in our faiths, and I would not expect that to change anytime in the future.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you needn't worry about the future. There will be people - always - to support you and to encourage you. But, better than all of that, there is also God to support and encourage you. You told me today that God always works things out (and I proceeded to add 'in the long run'). So He, too, is a constant, solid force in your life. If you can remember that (and I think that you will), you'll be just fine. :)
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:20 AM, April 27, 2005
Hm. Turns out that I did have a bit to say, huh.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:20 AM, April 27, 2005